Terror of a New Beginning

There’s something quite terrifying about a new beginning. While the logical part of your brain insists that everything will be fine, your emotions and imagination runs wild. Grasped by the long, cold fingers of change, you can’t help but want to scream for help. Yet despite the dreary imagery, change is inevitable and it does provide new opportunity to grow and experience.

It’s been almost 3 years since my last post…how about a little catch-up?

  • Graduated with my MBA in marketing (reading through old posts…was I a little bitch about school or what?)
  • Met and dated one of my favorite people I’ve ever met
  • Got a gig as a copywriter (yeah, who would have thought writing would take me anywhere)
  • Lived at home to save up for the next big adventure

And now here I am – less than a day away from making one of the biggest changes in my life. Hearing words of envy and excitement from others, I recognize the gravity of my choice to start the next chapter of my life. I truly am fulfilling the dreams of many others – I am moving to NYC. While it won’t have the cheesesteaks and sports teams I so very love, I’m turning the page and facing the terror head-on.

Bring it on, Big Apple! Let’s see what you got!

Prescription for eye lashes?!

Truthfully, those long eyelashes gross me out

Truthfully, those long eyelashes gross me out

So while watching an episode of Shark Tank (if you haven’t seen it, it’s a cool business start-up negotiation show), I was subjected to a 30 second commercial that kind of pissed me off and confused me. Allegran, a pharmaceutical company that has made a lot of money from providing “help” for people that are insecure about their bodies coughcoughBOTOXcoughcough has come out with a new drug. Introducing: Latisse, “the first and only FDA-approved prescription treatment for inadequate or not enough eye lashes, growing them longer, fuller, and darker.” Oh that seem reasonable and stuff…wait…what?!

Now I’m not here to bash Allegran as a whole because when it comes down to it, they have produced some drugs/products that have real purpose. But seriously, what the hell kind of product is this? If you go on their website, they’re enticing women (let’s face it, very few men are going to be using this product) with Brooke Shields as the face to this brand. There are parts of marketing that make me sick – this is one of them. They’re getting women to believe that if they use this stuff they’ll have eye lashes like Brookey-poo. Oh, I’m sure she’s using this stuff all these years to have the lashes she has now. People, WAKE UP!

Supposedly, the FDA got unhappy with Allegran for their marketing campaign because they’re misleading women with this product (here’s the proof to that claim). Frankly, the side effects are barely touched upon in their campaign and insecure women all over the place just are disregarding all the warnings. These are the known side effects:

  • Darkening of eyelid skin (this may be reversible once stopped)
  • Possible increase in the brown pigmentation of the colored part of the eye (this is likely to be permanent)
  • Itching, eye redness, dryness and irritation of the eye or surounding eyelid skin where Latisse may be applied.

Now I know none of those are life threatening or anything but what I’m trying to get to is this: ladies, is it really worth the risk? As a guy that loves looking at boobs eyes, I can tell you this: I’m looking at you straight in the boobs eyes, not around! Sure you may have “sexy” 3 foot long eye lashes in the end but what if you look like a raccoon in the process? Seriously though with all jokes aside, how much more length could you possibly want, 1/4 of an inch?

I just wish that people could be more secure with their bodies…but I know this is impossible in our society. But is there actually a legit market of women that want longer eye lashes? Are there women that exist that look in the mirror and get legitimately upset about their eye lashes? Would these women spend money on a drug that can help? I think it’s one thing to complain about weight but then I think it’s quite another when we’re talking small hairs attached to our eye lids. Ladies: am I being insensitive?

Beer reviews are back in action!

Beer reviews are back in action!

I don’t know about you people but I really missed doing these reviews. And luckily for all of us, it’s fall/winter beer season, which is when a lot of my favorite seasonals start being made. But for the first time, I’m going to start this review directly after drinking- yay for blogging while buzzed! I did feel sort of weird drinking by myself for this review (Kraiggles the Bagels has moved out from across the hall) but now, this is a perfect opportunity to have guest reviewers join me! If any of you people feel like having a brewski conmigo, just talk to me and we’ll arrange a beer date. Anywho, after a delicious night of bagels and shmear (Happy Yom Kippur fellow Orange Jews!) and fantasy football victories, a beer seemed perfect…and it was. For this review, we’ll be looking at an English Porter, a style I’ve barely ever touched upon.

Similarly to stouts, porters are ales that are characterized by their darker appearances. English porters in particular first were brewed in the 1700’s and were known to be a blend of old ales, new ales, and weak ales. By combining the different types of beer, flavors will be balanced, complex, and satisfying. As noted by BA, because porters were comprised of three different beers, they were often referred to as “Entire Butt” or “Three Threads”. Generally speaking, porters are malty beers that are accompanied with a dash of bitter hops. Although this style doesn’t feature higher ABV levels, it attracts beer lovers with itsĀ  bold tastes. The beer that I decided to try comes from a brewery that has been around since the time when porters first came into existence. So grab yourself a crumpet and a tuffet: we’re drinking one from across the lake. So after a summer-long hiatus, we’ll be starting back up with Samuel Smith’s “The Famous Taddy Porter”.

A classy label

A classy label

The label for this beer is old fashioned looking (as it probably should) but does do a pretty decent job of grabbing your attention. The gold foil on the top, which to me can look snobby-ish, actually works really well and just adds to the decadence that is associated with this a beer that has been around for quite a long time. When poured out, The Famous Taddy Porter is very dark, purple/brown color. But with very little head retention and no obvious carbonation, I get bored looking at it very, very quickly. Already, I’m getting nervous that this is not a good beer in terms of starting up my reviews.


Boringtastical appearance

The nose of the beer was decent – smokey with prunes and hints of sweet toffee. But then for the first time ever, I got too close to the surface and accidentally snorted the beer up my nose. Let me tell you, this beer at the cold temperature that it started at did NOT feel lovely in my nasal region. Not only did I have to sit here blowing my nose for 10 minutes but then I had to experience the beginning of the Cowgirls beatdown of the Panthers…not at all a good start for these reviews. Nevertheless, the aromas were simple and distinguishable, which is good in my book.

And just when I though this was a meh beer, I tasted it. This beer had a creamy, expanding mouthfeel that exploded in my mouth (man do I miss making these indirect innuendos). Once I got past the mouth feel I was able to calm down and distinguish tastes: bitter hops, a light non-overpowering coffee flavor, and malts. This beer was very warming (perfect for this cold weather fluctuations we’re having up here in the iladelph) and was extremely drinkable. I was immediately sad that I only had one of these lying around and felt like I could have downed another two while watching the game.

Overall, this beer’s taste severely overcompensated for it’s boring appearance and slightly above average smell. I’d highly recommend that everyone tries this since it’s a great “beginner” porter; it’s not overpowering and is delicious/not one dimensional. Although I’d like to say that this beer is simple, I know it’s far from reality. Truthfully, this a complex beer that is very balanced, which gives the impression of it being a straight line when it’s really several huge flavor dips that balance each other out perfectly (I have no idea if that makes sense…sleep + buzz = tired. And the saddest part is that this is only 5% ABV – I’m such a lightweight) Anywho, here is my BA ranking:

B+ / 3.9
look: 2.5 | smell: 3.5 | taste: 4.5 | feel: 4.5 | drink: 4.5

The initial pour was good, just wish the head had stayed...

The initial pour was good, just wish the head had stayed around...

As you can see I added all the photos directly to the post, which I’ll be doing from now on. I have no idea what my next beer review will be so either join me in the drinking process or just wait to find out!

All the Single Babies

So I’m sure most people already have seen this video but just in case, I had to share:

Let’s set something straight: I am NOT a baby person. The whole crying, crapping, pissing thing over and over again gets a bit old for me. And let’s face it, the idea of baby Evans running around is a scary, SCARY idea. Although I’d love to torture the world with babies eventually, I’m gonna hold off a bit though so everyone (including myself) can prepare. Either way, this video is freakin cute…

By the way, this is just a good distraction from my lack of post ideas – I need to get warmed up, people. Gimme a break!

Return from the Dead

A crappy impression of a zombie, but you get the idea

A crappy impression of a zombie, but you get the idea

So I’ve decided after several blogless months that this was way too much fun for me to completely stop. I know what you’re thinking “Evan, we thought you were dead! Blah blah blah blah!” But now that I’m in grad school and I’ve got nothing to do during the day (MLIA), I decided I should revitalize my blogging tendencies. To all my loyal fans: I’m sorry I took so long to come back around. But hey, hopefully my second year of blogging will far surpass my first year. Let’s rock!

The Best Bra Ever

As a guy I really don’t know too much about the world of bras. I mean, they’re cool I guess and they do accentuate the goodies (unless you’re into that National Geographic look – I know you people exist), but ultimately, I look at them as just one more thing that’s getting between me and my goal. Well, that is until now.

Supposedly, a company called Lisca just created the “smart memory bra” – a bra that morphs based on the wearer’s sexual attraction at any given moment. If the wearer is attracted to someone and correspondingly their body temperature rises (which is a common side effect when you’re around furry man beasts such as myself), the bra will push one’s love bags up, creating a natural “push up” look. As their sexual attractiveness decreases, the breasticles will go back to normal and the cleave will retract.

Were looking at the bra, not her.

Wow...that's a nice bra...yeah.....

To me, this is a win-win-win situation (man, do I love The Office). Let’s analyze this:

The ladies who wear this bra can look good for the men that they want. Sweet stuff, now you girls can attract the guys that you actually want. At the same time, us men who are horrible at picking up hints (guilty) now have a new way of catching the drift. And lastly, those of us who love the sport of motor boating can enjoy the show if you’re randomly a little sweaty. Booya! Now that’s what I’m talking about! I’d say that they should make some similar for men and underwear but I’m just not gonna go there. I’m comfortable with my sexuality and all but there’s a certain point where it’s just too much to handle.

Ladies: here’s the link to buy the bra, just make sure you show me how it works. Please….

Guys: here’s the link to the random magnified look of the bra…holy crap…

Evan-Made Pizza Bites

Yes! Two articles within the same week! I’M BACK, BABY! I’ve got a few lined up, so start checking the site more often, we’re gonna rock out with our socks out.

So being the avid Trader Joe’s shopper that I am, I love going food shopping simply because of the fact that I experiment with a lot of the food that I get. I really do make an effort to try new things all the time and have had mostly positive consequences from doing so. But sine I’m still only a mere level four chili chef, I’ve got to cook more and get some experience under my belt. I cooked these puppies a while ago, I just went through my blog abadonment for so long that I forgot to get to posting this experience. We can thank my stumble addiction (anyone that stumbles can understand that link) for this idea.

Here are the ingredients in a very scattered order:

Pre-made pizza dough, mozerella cheese, salami, pepperoni, garlic powder, olive oil (not pictured), crushed up malgueta peppers, and tomato sauce

Pizza dough (pre-made at Trade Joe's), mozzarella cheese, flour, salami, pepperoni, garlic powder, olive oil, onion flakes, sea salt, crushed up malgueta peppers, and tomato sauce

The first thing that needs to be done is loosen up the dough. Although I had some fun throwing the dough up in the air, it definitely made a mess because I had put some flour on it to keep it from sticking to everything (luckily, I did this out in my hallway so I wouldn’t have to clean my kitchen floor…but don’t tell my landlord or imma cut you). After it warms up and loosens up, I separated the giant glob into smaller bite size balls of dough.

Before I started stuffing each ball, I took the garlic powder, sea salt, onion flakes, and the malagueta pepper and combined them together to create a unique seasoning for the pizza bites. Additionally, I chopped up the cheese into small pieces as well as the salami and pepperoni. Each ball was then stuffed with several pieces of cheese, meat, and the seasoning. I also made sure that I put olive oil all over each ball and pinched them all closed so that I could avoid making a complete melted mess all over my pan. I also put some seasoning on top for some extra flavor. Make sure that if you decide to make some of these you spread out the balls (hahaha, womp) so they all have space to expand. There’s nothing worse than balls being stuck together…yep, that’s true.

One of several batches

One of several batches

Oh yeah, by now you should be totally preheated, so hopefully you’re not making these as you’re reading this article. Haha, I know that at least one person will do it. Anyway, pump your oven up to 400 degrees and when you’re done with however many batches you’re making (by the way, you can freeze these guys, I did it with at least one batch and they tasted fine when I cooked them later) pop them in the oven. Then wait for 20 minutes and wait for the magic:

5 minutes in with no flash

5 minutes in with no flash

10 minutes in with too much flash

10 minutes in with too much flash

20 minutes in with perfect light exposure

20 minutes in with perfect light exposure

Okay, so the cheese ‘sploded out of a few of them, but they still look yummy! While they cool, make sure you heat up some tomato sauce for dipping purposes. Although mine turned out good, they could have been better. Here’s a huge suggestion for any of you that want to make these: make sure you put a LOT of cheese in each ball, seriously, overload them. Also, make sure that you have enough dough so that they don’t explode like mine did. The main problem is that they weren’t gooey, just cheesy. Even so, these turned out to be pretty good and would serve perfectly as finger food for guests before cooking them some of your “Evan-Made Chili“. Next time I’ll just make a pizza though, I have a feeling that would turn out awesome…


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